Subconscious Awareness.

I don't know where to start...
Trying to make an art sometimes doesn't seems so smart,
But I endure.
Weaving in and out of comments still trying to find an inward allure.
I feel so stagnant.
If I don't have passion for my creations how would anyone find passion in them
Depression is only the fragment.
Thoughts tell me I'm condemned.
Writer's block turns into a life block
I want to make a difference in someone without any shock
A difference is made but it's not a positive difference
I guess there is truth to a Yin and a Yang
Some evil in doing good and some good in doing evil
I try to shoot evil in the foot to see it's retrieval
But it rises like a great shadow overwhelming my motivation
Like a full investment in a ponzi scheme corporation
My life is a real contradiction
Trying to distinguish truth from fiction.

-

Life is becoming a blur.
What has happened to me?
How have I sunk this deep?
Temporary? Maybe.
But this is now.
"Now" is what I have to conquer
The future has it's own battles.
I try to wait for a new beginning but deep down I know it will never come
Days continue to eat my life away.

Healing Never Ends

I like being alone.
And with you.
Either way its healing.
Growing.
I feel so close to breaking through.
Sometimes I think I should just wait.
But then the ambitious part of me hates waiting.
So I move towards being a catalyst.
Trying to spark my soul to change.
But I soon realise the power isn't me.
So I search.

Everything that's important takes time and effort
So I close my eyes and open my mind.
I see my flaws
An ego that has walls that must crumble.
Walls that block out everything except myself.
I'm sick of myself.
Not me as in me.
But the self-centered me.
The one that looks past other people's needs.
So the walls are coming down.

I Clenched My Fist And Threw It At The Sadness.

I saw something that changed my day.

It was a curling smile that seemed so innocent.

A smile that seemed full of joy but it was hiding a burden of sorrows.

What was the point of smiling?

It was a mask, one that was waiting to be stripped off.

A mask that holds itself on so tight you need the jaws of life to pry it free.

So capable of prying it free yet it remains on that face.

A shadow of pain that yearns to see the light of day,

But the skin never tastes the beauty of the suns rays.

Eyes held high in hopes of a brighter tomorrow.

Those eyes fill with oceans of hope.

Oceans that spill over and race down to meet the earth with a welcoming explosion

I thought the oceans had dried out a long time ago,

But they continue to overflow.

Everything was becoming a blur.

Where one object should've ended it flowed to the next.

The tears were beginning to burn.

Sick of seeing someone so sad,

I clenched my fist and threw it at the sadness.

Shattering it to a million pieces.

I could no longer make out that innocent smile that was hiding so much.

I liked staring into that broken mirror.

It's imperfections reflected my imperfections.

That smiled returned,

But this time it was full of satisfaction.

The sadness was gone,

Or was it back under that menacing mask?

Speak Up Kid. I'm Having A Hard Time Hearing You.

I figured out I went the wrong route
Struggles that lead me to self-betterment but I still had doubts
Pain turns into happiness,
But realize it's only temporary so cover up the sadness
Cause the trials are just around the corner
You have to write the past in the obituary in alphabetical order
Forever sharpening my conscious
I've got a lot to call this
But these nineteen years weren't a waste
No matter how low I've been it's just what I needed
You have to go through pain to live life with a joyful taste
Even if on the inside your heart still bleeded
I will always be growing
Learning about myself, constantly stroking my beard
Crying every night, most not knowing
Is everyone this way or am I just weird?
If I knew I would be where I am right now I would've just stayed
Inside the place I call yesterday.
But that's a lie. Everything I have is inside my mind's eye.
This struggle is an experience.
Am I living what I learned or giving false appearances.
Dwelling on sadness only opens the door for depression
But at the same time it builds multiple regressions.

Yeah I know.
This journey is tough
I have everything to show
But everything isn't enough.

I'm taught that my feelings I must contain
But I let it out to crush the heartaches and pains
Life is a living cell
I can't tell, because my mind seems to be in a shell
No one states my destination
So I'm still facing inward incarceration
I smoke and think these are the times I'm not depressed
But I'm still depressed
Trying to lay my fears to rest
But they still haunt me.

Holding onto the last rope only allows a grip to pull me back down
"This is how it is."  I tell myself.

Speak The Truth And Everyone Will Hate You, Unless It's Funny.

It's weird.
The way things played out.
I was so sheltered.
I never did anything wrong in the worlds eye.
I was fake, but I never felt alone.

On the outside, I looked like shinning gold
But on the inside I was nothing more than mere pyrite
But oh, the people loved me
I wasn't kind. I wasn't humble.
I was fake, but I never felt alone.

Something happened within me
I was sick of seeing other people's pain
My heart had a burden when someone was hurting
That feeling... It found me
So I acted on it.

Now I try on a daily basis to put others first
Oh, of course it's a struggle because no one is perfect
But I try.
And the world looks down on me
I'm real, and so alone.

I tell people the truth
And they hate that about me
I call them out when they are hurting someone
So they tear me down
I'm real, and so alone.

Coming Back Around.

Thick And Thin.

An empire built on laughter
I was getting eyes focused on the outter me
Then I saw this girl
Everybody seemed to walk past her
I noticed her frown, you see
A tear was rolling down her cheek like a pearl
But I didn't care to ask why
It wasn't my problem
So I just walked by

Now I'm that girl
And the world is me
In my dispair
I'm just another tree
Blowing in the wind of life.

Shhh. Just Keep Breathing.

Our Mouths Are Taped Shut.

People being sucked into man made creations
Drifting away from their beginning.
Inward fusion of a nation
Desensitizing is now winning.
A battle rages behind a mask
Destroying ties like old relations.
Not caring is the easiest task
Taught to be the best on a daily basis.

Where has passion gone?
How did the ego win?

It began so softly like moving one square forward with a pawn.
That menacing voice, or was it voices?
Trying to quiet humility and so on.
Making irrational choices.
Watching passion grow dead as if were tree bark
Now that was the hardest part.
Realizing that you had become the voice that was in your head.
Or was the bark there to protect?
Disappearing feelings that you should've listened to instead.

I Forgot.

A Confession.

Oh, I promise I won't forget.

So loaded, the statement seemed to fade.

As soon as it unfolded out of my mouth

I knew that the past couldn't be erased.

Who was I trying to disgrace?

Unwillingly I was disgracing me

I seemed not to care.

Not trying but I was disgracing you too.

Do you remember how I forgot?

You said, " Never take me for granted."

At the time I didn't know what that meant.

I acted like I did, but I didn't.

I said that I'd always be there

Knowing that I couldn't always be.

It seemed to be a forgotten art.

How I felt was all a mask

Covering up the things I was afraid to ask

I told you you were hurting me

That's how I made myself feel

Depression swept over me, over you

I didn't know what else to do

I wanted the fairy tale story

To know what it was like to be free

I kept pretending

A child-like pretending that brings bliss

A dream so beautiful

You couldn't determine if it was actual life

Or a fictional novel that I was living out.

I saw the fake it me, you saw the love

Often I'd see you cry, only to cry with you.

I couldn't utter words to say

Because I was hurting too.

It wasn't anything you did 

It was simple because I forgot.

That I loved you.

Twelve Foot Graves.

Switched Focus.

This contagious feelings sweeps me,

My mind is twisted with a thousand thoughts.

Are these lyricists on a spree

Or am I harboring things that my mental bought?

Choices made by whims

Wrapping reality with a blanket so thin

A hardship placed down by power

That only I could break the endless shower

It keeps raining, sharpening my blades

Tuning my ability that the conscious aides

It's over. I have to prepare for the next

Rollercoaster ride with crashing waves

Forcing me to focus on inner sects

Burying past faults in different twelve foot graves.

Where Drinking Water Becomes Pure.

Life: The Biggest Troll.

Trolling,
Living through experience is the key
I learn from the deepest faults
Raise the spirit to believe
The future holds abundant vaults
Of endless comfort and fortune.

Inner fortune,
The kind that builds humble confidence
Allowing people to see you honestly
As you, not as an alias
Building respect silently
Holding one's peace.

Soulful peace,
Making every breath a blessing
Where drinking water becomes pure
Silence to all that was stressing
Life becomes the ultimate allure.
Yeah, trolling.