I Get Lost.

Often I feel as if I'm not living a life that's full enough. There is always a feeling of emptiness inside of my body, right above my stomach behind my ribs, that feels like someone is standing on me. You know that feeling in your throat you get when it's tough to tell someone you care about something because you fear their disappointment (like there's a rock lodged in there or something)? Well, that's the same sort of feeling I get in my stomach. 

I think to myself, 'How is one suppose to live a life in a manner that is worth of the gift of life itself.' Throughout the day, I get pressured with everything this world has to offer. Signs that tell me to do this, to take that. Pop stars giving me a 'role' to follow and to draw from. Foods to eat that are absolutely terrible for a human being, yet I still choose to eat them-you know what I'm talking about... This world is a tough place.

I am always battling against my pride and my ego. I know it isn't bad to take pride in something that you do. I mean, come on! That's the American way! However, sometimes pride blinds my ability to see things as others see them. Being able to understand that other people are feeling things, and taking in information at the same time I am  is something that I have yet to master. 

I catch myself lost in my own thoughts and desires. When I should be focusing on the present and what is going on around me and how I'm affecting others. Am I helping or hurting my peers? You impact people whether you want to or not. It's all of a matter on  how you impact them. Am I lifting them up or tearing them down? Am I being negative or positve? It's easier to not care- to not pay attention to other peoples feelings. But damn. Are you so much better than them that you have to be self centered 24/7? You're conditioning society's problems instead of trying to solve them. Pay attention people! Close your eyes for once. So you can think about what's going on around you. Shut your mouth.You'll be able to hear things more easily. Are you having troube following what others are trying to say? Then you feel bad because you honestly have no idea what they just said... That's because you're too worried about your own opinion and what you are going to say next. You block yourself from the person you're comunicating with before they finish what they are trying to say. Be open. Be considerate. Be kind. Love everyone, you never know who really needs it.

It's Still Raining.

We snuck our way downstairs. Your family was asleep and you didn't want to wake anyone up. It was 1AM and my parents wanted me home at 11. You knew that. Almost to the door and I ran into the foyer. Damn. That hurt. And it was loud. We could both hardly see. We had just woken up. No lights were on. Being guided by your dimly lit iPhone 4. They just came out. I was still rocking the flip phone. You thought that was cute. Rain patted against your windows, my toe was throbbing. My heart beat somehow worked its way to my toe. Bum-bum... Bum-bum...You asked if I wanted for you to  kiss it. I said yes, but wouldn't let you kiss it. So you kissed my lips instead. I caught myself smiling. That moment lasted a century to me. I didn't want it to stop. Your eyes were sleepy, and your hair was a mess. So was mine. You smelled like my cologne. I liked that. We got to the door. You pressed the garage door button. That machine roared louder than the foyer sliding across the hard wood flooring. Your dogs heard us and began to bark. Shit... You said it was okay. I smiled. You asked me to stay. I couldn't. Your parents wouldn't like that. I wanted to. I had stayed before. Then the sad lip came. You had a way of being so adorable. I kissed your sad lip. Then you kissed me back. You giggled, then jumped onto me almost knocking me down. I wrapped my hands under your smooth legs, holding you against me. Your arms were lightly hanging around my neck. I carried you through the garage and into the rain. It was warm outside. About 80. The rain was cold though. It felt good against my face and arms. You asked me if we were in a dream, I didn't know. You kissed me. You had so much passion. I had never felt that kind of passion. It was beautiful. I embraced it. I loved it. I said I needed to go. You held me tighter. I didn't mind. I walked us back into your garage. We were soaked. How long were we kissing? Time seemed to vanish. I kissed you cheek. You loved it when I did that. You gave me a butterly kiss on my neck with your eye lashes when I hugged you goodbye. I said that I loved you. You said that you loved me more. It was so innocent, your voice. You smiled at me as I walked out of your garage backwards. The whole time our eyes were locked. I almost ran into the small wall in between your garage doors.You laughed at me. I laughed with you. You waved as I faded away into the rain and darkness.

Realize.

I used to care of what people thought, but now I care more. Envy. Covetousness. Self marketing. None of these support the pre. But rather, to care more is to consciously be aware of your impact on others as well as the impact on yourself. Aware of everything. What you are seeing and hearing especially.

What do you see. That's the surface... Now, go deeper. What do you really see? Faces: squinting, head down, smiling, no eye contact, anger? Are you instigating anything to cause a reaction? How are you being reacted to? How are you not being reacted to? Are you helping or hurting? See them, read them.

In some situations, I've seen guys who think they don't have a chance with a girl "She's to pretty." "I'd say something stupid." Come on, you're scared to say something stupid? Talking to her and being regected is way better than not saying anything at all. You gain experience. Now you can cross that broad right off your list. It's a win-win. But come on guys... What's the root. What is the worst thing that this particular girl could say or do that would cause regret of you asking her something. If you are truely scared of what is to come, maybe you need to reassess your worries.

There's so much fear in this world. Too much fear. But it's not the adrenaline-pumping fear. It's a 'scared of what is to come' type of fear. That's the worst kind. The key is to get past that fear. The fear that binds you and holds you back from advancing as a human being. The only thing holding you back is you. You're above that. Realize it.

Bliss.

"Be true to yourself and everything else will fall in place." Those words rolled off the tongue of the person I looked up to the most. "Be yourself", he said."Find your bliss. Otherwise you're going to live a treacherous life that you will only regret." But regret life? That sounds like a nightmare. How could someone regret life? I thought about that for hours when I should've been doing my English 102 homework that I kept putting off. Those words stuck with me. I had to find my bliss. What was bliss anyway? I knew it was a store that pretty girls like to shop at and get ideas for their "future home". But what was bliss... How could I find it? It seemed so simple. "Just look for happiness and bliss will follow." So that's what I did.

Deric told me those words after me and my girlfriend of two years had just broken up. That's a story in itself. I was depressed. He knew that. He saw my tweets. I showed the world my emotions. I was a wreck. But Deric knew that it was a "phase". He knew how teenagers worked. How they were over dramatic and always thought the world was crashing down on them (I thought it was anyway). Bliss. What is that word. It seemed like paradise. I wanted it to be easy to find. Just given to me. So American of me. I wanted the happy meal with the badass toy inside. 

I knew that I wasn't happy. Was it just a mind fuck or was I really "unhappy". I found out later that I was truely unhappy. Unhappy with everything. My life, and all that surrounded it. I felt stuck. Like a chubby kid lost in a candy shop, I felt that there was no possible way I could get out. Get out and leave the life that felt so true. But it wasn't true. At all. I was putting on a front. Not only with myself but with everyone around me. I had become something that I swore I'd never be: Fake. I hated fake. It crept upon me and consumed me. I was spirling down in a kamikaze fashion. I was headed straight down. And I hit rock bottom. It took breaking the girl's heart that I was in love with and am still in love with to realize how fake I had become. Oh the things I wish I could change. The person I could've been. I don't have many regrets in life but hurting her is something that kills me. My soul is broken because of my actions. But I believe in destiny and that things often happen for a reason so I looked past my mistakes. That's where it all started. It took a few good talks with friends and a few late night smoke sessions. Weed really opens up the mind, by the way, if it is done in a moderate sense. Bliss. That word. I was going to find my bliss. One way or another.

So the search began. Deric's words kept passing though my mind. "Be true to yourself and everything else will fall in place" Getting off of my 'putting on a front' phase really changed my life. I tried to look at everything in a positive way. That helped. Then I tried to be myself. That didn't help. Things got harder. Friends became distant memories. However, it only helped. Being myself weeded out the people in my life that didn't need to be there. Being myself caused happiness to find me. I was on the pursuit of happiness for so long, but you have to realize happiness is there all along. You have to allow it to be a part of your life otherwise it is just an emotion that is set aside and wasted. So far so good. Bliss seemed closer than ever. I could feel it. Everything seemed so much brighter. As if I appreciated everything, and I mean everything. I realized how much I took life itself for granted. My shitty car that got me from A to B. Little things. A simple smile. A meaningful conversation with someone. That what matters to me. That's when I realized I was starting to find my bliss. My true happiness.

The journey continues until the day I die.