Bliss.

"Be true to yourself and everything else will fall in place." Those words rolled off the tongue of the person I looked up to the most. "Be yourself", he said."Find your bliss. Otherwise you're going to live a treacherous life that you will only regret." But regret life? That sounds like a nightmare. How could someone regret life? I thought about that for hours when I should've been doing my English 102 homework that I kept putting off. Those words stuck with me. I had to find my bliss. What was bliss anyway? I knew it was a store that pretty girls like to shop at and get ideas for their "future home". But what was bliss... How could I find it? It seemed so simple. "Just look for happiness and bliss will follow." So that's what I did.

Deric told me those words after me and my girlfriend of two years had just broken up. That's a story in itself. I was depressed. He knew that. He saw my tweets. I showed the world my emotions. I was a wreck. But Deric knew that it was a "phase". He knew how teenagers worked. How they were over dramatic and always thought the world was crashing down on them (I thought it was anyway). Bliss. What is that word. It seemed like paradise. I wanted it to be easy to find. Just given to me. So American of me. I wanted the happy meal with the badass toy inside. 

I knew that I wasn't happy. Was it just a mind fuck or was I really "unhappy". I found out later that I was truely unhappy. Unhappy with everything. My life, and all that surrounded it. I felt stuck. Like a chubby kid lost in a candy shop, I felt that there was no possible way I could get out. Get out and leave the life that felt so true. But it wasn't true. At all. I was putting on a front. Not only with myself but with everyone around me. I had become something that I swore I'd never be: Fake. I hated fake. It crept upon me and consumed me. I was spirling down in a kamikaze fashion. I was headed straight down. And I hit rock bottom. It took breaking the girl's heart that I was in love with and am still in love with to realize how fake I had become. Oh the things I wish I could change. The person I could've been. I don't have many regrets in life but hurting her is something that kills me. My soul is broken because of my actions. But I believe in destiny and that things often happen for a reason so I looked past my mistakes. That's where it all started. It took a few good talks with friends and a few late night smoke sessions. Weed really opens up the mind, by the way, if it is done in a moderate sense. Bliss. That word. I was going to find my bliss. One way or another.

So the search began. Deric's words kept passing though my mind. "Be true to yourself and everything else will fall in place" Getting off of my 'putting on a front' phase really changed my life. I tried to look at everything in a positive way. That helped. Then I tried to be myself. That didn't help. Things got harder. Friends became distant memories. However, it only helped. Being myself weeded out the people in my life that didn't need to be there. Being myself caused happiness to find me. I was on the pursuit of happiness for so long, but you have to realize happiness is there all along. You have to allow it to be a part of your life otherwise it is just an emotion that is set aside and wasted. So far so good. Bliss seemed closer than ever. I could feel it. Everything seemed so much brighter. As if I appreciated everything, and I mean everything. I realized how much I took life itself for granted. My shitty car that got me from A to B. Little things. A simple smile. A meaningful conversation with someone. That what matters to me. That's when I realized I was starting to find my bliss. My true happiness.

The journey continues until the day I die.